Zazen fills empty hole in monk's life

Paul Worden

Photos by Daily Yomiuri Photographer Makoto Miyazaki

By Ayako Hirayama

Daily Yomiuri Staff Writer

In many ways, Paul Worden had a fortunate life. He was healthy and accomplished many things he wanted to do, such as traveling around various countries and making a living from his lifetime passion--music.

But he was never completely satisfied--he always felt something was missing.

"Even after some wonderful experiences, some unsatisfactory part always remained," the 38-year-old American said.

Worden said he did not know what exactly was missing, but came to ask himself, "What's the purpose of this life if in the end you die anyway?"

"People around me didn't seem to mind it so much that some day they have to die. But when I was a child, I thought about it a lot," he said.

His desire to discover "the real essence of life" seems to have even grown after he lost his older brother about 20 years ago. The loss, he said, left an empty hole in his heart. So Worden, who was raised a Catholic, searched for an answer in Christianity, after which he looked into Judaism and then Islam.

A fateful encounter with Zen came about seven years ago, when he met a Japanese yoga teacher who introduced him to a zazen (Zen meditation) hall in New York. It clicked with him right away.

"Once I tasted the fruit of zazen, I knew I found what I was looking for," Worden recalled. "In this practice, it's not something you read and it's not something that you listen to someone's speech, and then you understand. It's something you do with your own body."

For 11/2 years, Worden trained at Dai Bosatsu Zendo, a Zen monastery in the Catskill Mountains, N.Y. There he met a monk who had come all the way from Koonji temple in Hachioji, Tokyo. With his interest in the monastic practice growing, Worden eventually traveled to the Hachioji temple in April 2004 to continue his training.

Since then, Worden has led a well-regulated, simple life in which he wakes up at 4 a.m., chants sutras, practices zazen at least three times a day and cleans in and around the monastery. He was given the monk name Gozan Zenji by the roshi (Zen master) at the Rinzai-sect temple, which dates back to 1389.

Roko Sherry Chayat, abbot of Zen Center of Syracuse Hoenji, who was Worden's first Zen teacher, remembers she thought he might want to become a monk soon after he started coming to her zazen meetings.

"When Paul first began zazen with me, I was struck by his sincerity and hunger for the Dharma," she said. "His nature seemed so suited to Zen practice. I felt that there was deep 'innen' [fate] between him and Zen."

Born in Syracuse, N.Y., Worden grew up in a typical working-class family. His father worked at a factory for 30 years and his mother was a secretary. After studying history and foreign languages, including Spanish and German, at university, he lived in Spain for about a year and then moved to New York City. Ten years of his life in New York were full of music as he played the guitar and drums for several bands and also wrote his own music.

Worden's decision to enter a monastery in Japan naturally came as a surprise to his parents, who long hoped he would settle down and get a stable job, he said. But several months after their son left for Japan, they visited him at the temple and saw his life here with their own eyes. This helped them understand their son's spiritual quest.

"Since Paul was very young, he pursued the source of any questions he might have concerning a subject," their parents, Vern and Rita Worden, said in an e-mail to The Daily Yomiuri. "Since he has gone to Japan, he has found his inner peace and a practice that will enrich his future expectations...His training has enhanced his ability to face challenges and meet daily opportunities with fulfillment."

They also believe Worden's accomplishments here and his communication skills in many languages will benefit his practice all over the world.

Indeed, there has been a growing interest in Zen and Buddhist teachings in the United States, according to Chayat.

"Perhaps, it is because we have succeeded at materialism, but have lost profundity and subtlety as a culture," she said. "Zen Buddhism, with its teachings of insight and compassion, its emphasis on true awakening, and its grounding in the interconnectedness of all life, is like a refreshing pool of clear water from which a thirsty person can drink."

Although he has yet to discover "the essence" of his life, Worden himself hopes to share what he has learned here with other people some day, he said. "My goal is to bring it [Zen] back not only to the States, but also to other cultures."

"I believe zazen is useful for any religions. It's not really a religion. It's more the thing you do...So I want to share this very satisfying practice with other people at some point. You know, not everybody can come to Japan. So I'm here for them as I can," Worden said.